It was easily the size of a wagon wheel. Bigger than a great Dane. Larger than Rush Limbaugh’s ego. More colossal than the national debt.

 

It was a hamburger dubbed The Titan. And it was part of the big show (Burgers and Beatdowns) at my friend’s restaurant, Quickie’s. (I love the name, which is even more suggestive than the titles of my latest books. LOL.) Quickie’s is a tiny little place on State Road Seven in Hollywood, Florida. The Titan barely fit in the kitchen, much less out the door . . . and they made three of them.

 

Each consisted of four pounds of beef, half a pound of bacon, enough cheese to blanket Biscayne Bay and all the trimmings: lettuce, tomato, super-secret Quickie sauce–you name it. The buns had been specially crafted by a local bakery. The final touch was the pimento-stuffed olive on top, glaring like a noxious green eyeball at the assembled crowd.  

 

Three of these Titans were delivered to a wrestling ring that had been erected outside in the parking lot. Inside the wrestling ring were three contenders: two very large men and one skinny guy. His burger was bigger than his whole rear end.

 

Cheers went up as each challenger cut his Titan into four quarters and commenced consumption. Meanwhile, I sat at a table a few feet away, awestruck by the sheer enormity of the task and able only to eat a measly 1/3 pound burger (fantastically good!) and a few onion rings.

 

The burger warriors ate through their first quarters with amazing grace, considering that the monstrous things were at least ten inches tall and about the size of your average cinder-block—though I’m sure they tasted much better. Then came a ritual gut-cleansing with about a gallon of soft drink. I’m sure there were some sumo-burps, but thankfully, I was too far away for audio.

 

Did I mention that underneath the long folding table where they all sat, my friends had spread a tarp? Did I mention the strategically placed buckets, one at the feet of each contestant in case of, er, spillage? Luckily nobody needed one.

 

The challengers started on the second quarters of their Titans with a little less enthusiasm. (Go figure.) And to my surprise, the two really colossal guys slowed down after about half, though they doggedly kept munching.

 

The little guy, though, apparently had hollow legs. He did start standing up and jogging in place, bouncing in order to shake the food down from his gut into those legs. He did this several times during the second quarter, and it seemed to work beautifully.

 

We thought it would be the classic case of the tortoise and the hare, though. Our money, frankly, was on the two big guys who were taking their time, slowly and inexorably chewing through their Titans. But they were still working on their second quarters while Little Guy was shaking the remnants of his down into his calves—maybe his toes.

 

He bounced and shook his head to clear it, like a boxer about to go another round against a tough opponent. And then he started on his third quarter while we all watched with varying degrees of awe. I wish I could tell you that he finished it, but even he was beaten by the Titan in the end. I hope that he had a beautiful girlfriend to feed him antacids all night. I really do.

 

Even if you’re not up for eating a burger the size of Antarctica, I highly recommend the normal sized ones at Quickie’s.